We're back from the holidays. They were exceptionally difficult this year, as the terrifying Matriarch of your Captain's family finally hit her expiration date and went to that Big Air Harborage in the Sky on Dec 15. So, we've been docked up near Possum Trot, sorting out the remnants of a life.
But we're back in the office now and hard at work on many many things.
Royalty statements went out last night (Monday). Payment goes out tomorrow.
So today, in a lighter vein, we're talking about ways to make your editor tear our her hair. This is tongue in cheek, but only sort of.
A Dozen Ways to Make Your Editor Tear Out Her Hair
1) Don't read the call. At all. Just send something, anything. So what if they ask for m/m BDSM? You've got a hot pegging story and that's kind of the same thing. It's kinky, that works.
2) Don't proofread. That's what editors are for.
3) Homophones? Who cares about those confusing things? He walked threw the woods and through the pistol in the lake. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
4) Don't worry about the template. That's just silliness, besides, downloading stuff is dangerous.
5) Don't format at all. Indentation? Font? A writer cares not for these things. If you prefer to write in triple spaced, 14 point Wingding with four spaces after every period, go for it.
6) If you change a character's name half-way through, make sure you don't bother changing all the references. Let the readers wonder.
7) If you ask the editor about something and they say "Generally accepted style, which we use, does not use this," ignore them. Do it your way.
8) Ask to be paid in porn.
9) When given a form to fill out--nice and neat with everything the editor, webdesigner and cover artist need to know--ignore it. Send back your twitter link, because everything they need is there.
10) Answer emails only with Lolcat gifs.
11) When asking questions of the editors on a panel, perform your question in pantomime.
12) Ignore the "What IS doesn't publish" list, and the editor bios and send us that Christian Inspirational swashbuckler that makes all the pagan deities out to be demons or the underage incestuous necrophilia fanfiction.
13) Demand your due as an author. Wrangle over every comma and space the editor puts in. Make no content changes, even when your editor points out one of your characters is having receptive sex and is still fully dressed.
A full dozen of hair-tearing things, only two of which are made up.
Please feel free to share the ways YOU like to make your editor beat her head into the wall.